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nobody likes to, but I really like to cry...

music: Tegan and Sara - The Con
feelings: empty, confused, awful - but I'm in love with this music!!!

What if everything went too fast for me?
What if cannot cope with my feelings?
What if I don't understand - but understand at the same time?
What if I was NOT sensitive? not sensible?

I wonder how relationships work...how do they work? What if one cannot see each other every day - what if one lives as far away from each other as we do? How does such a relationship work? If I only knew what to do...because I know I want to try this - although it seems indeed difficult to me...and what do you think? Qu'est-ce que tu pense, ma chérie? Est-ce que tu veux l'essayer? Yes, I know...you're not too sure yet...I neither am...but for me there's nothing to risk, so it's not that difficult for me to decide - I just want to try - J'éspère, que c'est possible! Mais, je ne sais pas plus! I cannot assure you that it will work...I think we are compatible (don't mean it as cold)...but I can't be sure...if it only wasn't such a risk for you...my darling...I feel awful!
How do relationships work in such conditions? I mean - I want it to work - but is it possible? Or is it impossible? Can WE make it possible? Can we fight against all the doubts and make it? Together? I wish we could...

Complicated - but my life's always complicated, so that's not new to me! Everything I touch gets complicated at least once...why does that have to happen?

Well, fortunately there is music to make me forget! And here's one fantastic video for all of you who are open for something very impressing, though peculiar:

3.8.07 11:52


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but the winter seems to last a whole year long...

music: radio wuppertal
feelings: awful - empty - sad - I don't know what to do with myself...

So...now it's over? I don't want it to be over...I can't stand this - it's too hard for me - what could I possibly do now? If all I want is you...

So I try to live on...carry on with my life...which I again don't really consider as a LIFE...
With you I had a life - suddenly you showed up and changed it - from A to B, from upside to downside (or rather the other way around), from stillness to movement...and now your gone everything seems to get back where it was...my life changes from B to A, from downside to upside and from movement to stillment...how could I stop it? Only you can stop it - but you're not there...

I got taught that development can never go backwards, but only forwards - but it feels like I get back where I was...okay: I take these experiences and the beautiful moments and capture them in my heart - and I learned from you...but nevertheless I can't change my life...it's not under my control! I don't want to change myself in order to change my life - does one have to? You didn't like parties either - so with you I wouldn't have had to change myself...but now I'm again on search for ANYone -
And where does one meet people? At places I don't usually like to go...
How I hate this!
And how does one get to know ANYone? It always was a problem I had - not to speak to people, but to really deepen the contact...with you it simply happened - but I really wished it could be done! Because it's difficult - and it's even more difficult to find someone compatible/matching...

Uh...maybe I hate my life - I can't say...but at least I hate it for not being a life at all! Because lifes tend to be full of happenings...but mine doesn't have a single movement without you - it's just the so-called "daily grint" - and nothing more - and I'm sooo fed up with this!!!!

I even wish I had something complicated in my life - like: where do I get the money from to be able to visit you???
I'd love to face this question...I'd love this to be my problem...but it's not...and I can't seem to get over it...uh, get over it!!!

Even this is boring again - it's always the same with me: wishing, hoping, being dumped...what do I do wrong? Is it my fault? I'm always jilted...always...can't that change at some point??? I guess I'm old enough to NOT be jilted!
15.8.07 06:31





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