music: tina dico - in the red
feelings: half-hearted, blasé
I've been thinking about roles a lot during the last few days. It scares me that most people seem to be putting everyone into cases - they categorize you from looking at you, and then afterwards they're saying they do not like cases and they define theirselves as an individual - but then they again categorize you...
I do not like to be pegged as someone I am not - sure - sometimes I do - but I am young and foolish and I am naive - but if I listen to my heart I can clearly see that I am not someone who can be pegged as something - I am very much not like a butch (yes - sure, as a lesbian I am talking about the lesbian clichés here) and I am also, and even more, not at all like a femme...I am nothing of these two cases!
I talked to someone who maintained she would not like to categorize people. But then, a little later, plus tard, she asked me if I bought my clothes rather in men or in women stores...I said it would not matter to me where I bought my stuff - which is not merely the truth, because I am young and foolish and naive, so I sometimes like to be seen as a butch, although in my heart I know I am not! Well...but I think, if you did not want to be pegged as a butch yourself you should not give a damn on where you or the person facing you bought your/his clothes!
It's killing me! I think it is immature - and I think it is unattractive! I like girls/women who do not pretend or try to be someone, just to be able to call themselves something...although sometimes I am the same...and that is what I am thinking about since a few weeks now!
I met you, and I knew you were special! And I maintain that you are! You do not fit into any cliché - you are simply yourself and that is more attractive than anything I have ever seen before. When I met you I realized that the way you lived was the only way I wanted to live too! So now I am again trying to figure out who I am - because this is pretty difficult nowadays, when you are young and you are a lesbian!
Everyone talks about the hair - the hair on you head (short or long?), the hair under you armpits (shaved or not?), the hair at your pussy (shaved, stubby, hairy?), the hair on your legs (shaved or not?) - but feminists:
WHERE ARE YOU? I can say I am one! I think it is disgusting what the society makes of women! We have to be entirelly hairless - although hair is natural! And especially when you are young you simply go with the flow because you do not have the courage to do what you think is right - and even more scary: the girls cannot even make up their own minds, because what the society shows is "be hairless" and thus girls THINK, really THINK, hairlessness is attractive...maybe at least I should start with being what I want to be!?
In addition I am struggling with many more topics like this! I think about matureness...and about all the girls in my age - it is horrible! Noone seems to be mature - not even me...are we "allowed" to be foolish? What if I want to be mature already? What if this was a thing that arises by the time and I want it now? What if I want someone who is herself? But what if there is hardly anyone? What if this makes me start off from the same point again and again? I start off, where I end, and I end, where I started off...it's a circle! I want you - and anyone else is simply too immature...although you don't know what you want - and is this mature?
I know what I want - I do not excactely know how to get there, because I never got there so far, and I do not know what would happen if I got what I wanted - but I know what I want! And I know it is a going to take a lot (of) effort to become what I want to be...I have to seperate the society thoughts from my own - and I am sure that this is the hardest of all tasks! Find out what your heart, what your soul wants and feels - disregarding what you THINK you want...can anyone follow???
In order to come back to the main-topic:
Does it make happy to know one is butch or femme? Can one not simply be the way one IS? I like the word "queer" - although I think it means nothing less than "homosexual"
and is not THAT the lifestyle every homosexual lives? Sure it is nice to know who you are talking to - is this rather a woman looking boyish or is it a skirt-wearing cheerleader? But aren't these two terms (mostly) used as total extremes? And does ANYone fit into an extreme? What if the cheerleader played with cars in her childhood? What if the boyish girl disguised herself as a princess in her childhood? What if she still likes to wear dresses now and then? What if the cheerleader loves to wear baggys? Why the fuck does one have to categorize? Can't we simply call ourselves whatever we like to call ourselves? Can't we simply be ourselves? Can't we NOT fit into one of the extremes?
I think the society destroys the lifes of a lot young people! I myself am more or less a victim of it! I want to be boyish, because I consider it attractive - but the thing is: who am I? Am I boyish? Can't I just dress myself the way I like? And HOW do I like it? Like "the one back there"? Like "the one I saw on tv-screen"? Like "Shane"???? Can't we simply cross out the "LIKE" in case of "AS"? And find our individual self? Because this is probably the most attractive way we can be!
It is pressure and it is coming from the society! Be a girl! You look like a boy! Those two statements are never said without judgment! What does it mean to be a girl? What about the gender-issue? Is not a girl someone who defines him-/herself as a girl?
Uh - I can feel that I am not really able to put all my thoughts into words...there are too many thoughts! And I am not a good writer...unfortunately! So I stop here and hope I leave some of you thoughtful