Music: no music... I guess that is normal for me by now
Mood: just miserable..
It's New Year! Yeahi! Resolutions anyone?
Well... I dont really know what to think. Last year was shit, and as I see it, next year is gonna get even worse. I dont expect myself to be lucky with love. I kinda see my relationship break already and that gives me headache and tears already. I didnt really live in any moment last year. If dreams would revive the things Ive gone through, NOTHING of what happened last year would be alive in my head... For real now, I experienced the two so called most decisive things in my life: graduating from school and moving away to start a fu**g new life abroad to study. In order to realize these steps I have got to remind myself of them, though... Theyre not in my head, they dont really happen in my life. Im absent.. I dont feel alive. Everything rushes away.. What kinda stuff is that? That makes you not live, not feel, not realize anything? Its driving me crazy. Im emotionless...
So, next year Im probably gonna change course and uni, Im probably gonna leave my girlfriend (and if just to study somewhere and we start a long-distance relationship) and Im probably gonna cry my heart out. What good is that? I dont want it! Go away 2010! I hate you already..
Music: Tegan and Sara - Sainthood
Mood: Open-minded, content, relaxed
this is me again. After 2 whole years I just read my last entry and felt like writing again. With new knowledge and a bit more mature.
I still have a lot of thoughts on the style-question as well as on the categorize-question. But by now I learned that everything we do or want or think is determined by the media and our environment. So by now I know that what I am looking for is never gonna be achieved.
At the moment I am at a point where I try to find my style again. And I realised, when I read my last entry, that I am at a crossroad I was before. Boyish or skirts? :D
And I know that 2 years ago I didnt change anything in the end. I ended up buying new men's trousers and maybe a bit tighter t-shirts. Same here. I went shopping, tryng to find myself a new style. But i found out that baggy-jeans are really all I like with myself. And I know that what I really need is a diet *haha* so I can wear the t-shirts I like with the jeans.
However. I guess I am fine again. Maybe that really is me. Maybe that really defines me. Maybe I just feel like I still have to find myself, but really I already know who I am.
I mean, I am pretty strong with my opinions. I know what I think is right, I know what I want and how to get there. I just sometimes have to deliberate and pause to realise it.
Meanwhile I moved to England to study Events Management. A course I dont really know is right for me. Because I know what I like and what makes me happy. And so far there is nothing academic about this course. Most of the time I dont have anything to do and the tasks I get are so easy that I can do them in 2 hours.
I just graduated from school. Zentralabitur, and I had 13 years, the kids now have only 12 years to learn the same as I did in 13. I remember there was hardly an afternoon that I had nothing to do. I was stressed because I knew I had a lot to learn for the final exams. I spent my last 3 months studying really hard and wrote exams over 5 and 4 hours.
And I must say: I loved it! I never felt like I wasnt challenged. I was at my best, I was a highly educated person, I could calculate things anyone else would type into their calculators in my head. I even solved half of my maths a-level exam in my head.
And after 3 months of holidays I was deeply awaiting an a-level management-course. But I didnt get it. I feel like I dont really have to study too hard to get the degree I'd like to get... But we'll see in a few months if I underestimated this..
But still I wonder what studying mathematics would have been like... the ultimate challenge... i probably even would have even failed exams for the first time- i would have cried and shaken my head. i would have thought abt giving up. but after 3 and a half years I would have had my degree and be too proud of myself...
Well, as you guys can see, I'm not really to fond of my course so far-
But we'll see.. we'll see..
music: tina dico - in the red
feelings: half-hearted, blasé
I've been thinking about roles a lot during the last few days. It scares me that most people seem to be putting everyone into cases - they categorize you from looking at you, and then afterwards they're saying they do not like cases and they define theirselves as an individual - but then they again categorize you...
I do not like to be pegged as someone I am not - sure - sometimes I do - but I am young and foolish and I am naive - but if I listen to my heart I can clearly see that I am not someone who can be pegged as something - I am very much not like a butch (yes - sure, as a lesbian I am talking about the lesbian clichés here) and I am also, and even more, not at all like a femme...I am nothing of these two cases!
I talked to someone who maintained she would not like to categorize people. But then, a little later, plus tard, she asked me if I bought my clothes rather in men or in women stores...I said it would not matter to me where I bought my stuff - which is not merely the truth, because I am young and foolish and naive, so I sometimes like to be seen as a butch, although in my heart I know I am not! Well...but I think, if you did not want to be pegged as a butch yourself you should not give a damn on where you or the person facing you bought your/his clothes!
It's killing me! I think it is immature - and I think it is unattractive! I like girls/women who do not pretend or try to be someone, just to be able to call themselves something...although sometimes I am the same...and that is what I am thinking about since a few weeks now!
I met you, and I knew you were special! And I maintain that you are! You do not fit into any cliché - you are simply yourself and that is more attractive than anything I have ever seen before. When I met you I realized that the way you lived was the only way I wanted to live too! So now I am again trying to figure out who I am - because this is pretty difficult nowadays, when you are young and you are a lesbian!
Everyone talks about the hair - the hair on you head (short or long?), the hair under you armpits (shaved or not?), the hair at your pussy (shaved, stubby, hairy?), the hair on your legs (shaved or not?) - but feminists:
WHERE ARE YOU? I can say I am one! I think it is disgusting what the society makes of women! We have to be entirelly hairless - although hair is natural! And especially when you are young you simply go with the flow because you do not have the courage to do what you think is right - and even more scary: the girls cannot even make up their own minds, because what the society shows is "be hairless" and thus girls THINK, really THINK, hairlessness is attractive...maybe at least I should start with being what I want to be!?
In addition I am struggling with many more topics like this! I think about matureness...and about all the girls in my age - it is horrible! Noone seems to be mature - not even me...are we "allowed" to be foolish? What if I want to be mature already? What if this was a thing that arises by the time and I want it now? What if I want someone who is herself? But what if there is hardly anyone? What if this makes me start off from the same point again and again? I start off, where I end, and I end, where I started off...it's a circle! I want you - and anyone else is simply too immature...although you don't know what you want - and is this mature?
I know what I want - I do not excactely know how to get there, because I never got there so far, and I do not know what would happen if I got what I wanted - but I know what I want! And I know it is a going to take a lot (of) effort to become what I want to be...I have to seperate the society thoughts from my own - and I am sure that this is the hardest of all tasks! Find out what your heart, what your soul wants and feels - disregarding what you THINK you want...can anyone follow???
In order to come back to the main-topic:
Does it make happy to know one is butch or femme? Can one not simply be the way one IS? I like the word "queer" - although I think it means nothing less than "homosexual" and is not THAT the lifestyle every homosexual lives? Sure it is nice to know who you are talking to - is this rather a woman looking boyish or is it a skirt-wearing cheerleader? But aren't these two terms (mostly) used as total extremes? And does ANYone fit into an extreme? What if the cheerleader played with cars in her childhood? What if the boyish girl disguised herself as a princess in her childhood? What if she still likes to wear dresses now and then? What if the cheerleader loves to wear baggys? Why the fuck does one have to categorize? Can't we simply call ourselves whatever we like to call ourselves? Can't we simply be ourselves? Can't we NOT fit into one of the extremes?
I think the society destroys the lifes of a lot young people! I myself am more or less a victim of it! I want to be boyish, because I consider it attractive - but the thing is: who am I? Am I boyish? Can't I just dress myself the way I like? And HOW do I like it? Like "the one back there"? Like "the one I saw on tv-screen"? Like "Shane"???? Can't we simply cross out the "LIKE" in case of "AS"? And find our individual self? Because this is probably the most attractive way we can be!
It is pressure and it is coming from the society! Be a girl! You look like a boy! Those two statements are never said without judgment! What does it mean to be a girl? What about the gender-issue? Is not a girl someone who defines him-/herself as a girl?
Uh - I can feel that I am not really able to put all my thoughts into words...there are too many thoughts! And I am not a good writer...unfortunately! So I stop here and hope I leave some of you thoughtful
music: radio wuppertal
feelings: awful - empty - sad - I don't know what to do with myself...
So...now it's over? I don't want it to be over...I can't stand this - it's too hard for me - what could I possibly do now? If all I want is you...
So I try to live on...carry on with my life...which I again don't really consider as a LIFE...
With you I had a life - suddenly you showed up and changed it - from A to B, from upside to downside (or rather the other way around), from stillness to movement...and now your gone everything seems to get back where it was...my life changes from B to A, from downside to upside and from movement to stillment...how could I stop it? Only you can stop it - but you're not there...
I got taught that development can never go backwards, but only forwards - but it feels like I get back where I was...okay: I take these experiences and the beautiful moments and capture them in my heart - and I learned from you...but nevertheless I can't change my life...it's not under my control! I don't want to change myself in order to change my life - does one have to? You didn't like parties either - so with you I wouldn't have had to change myself...but now I'm again on search for ANYone -
And where does one meet people? At places I don't usually like to go...
How I hate this!
And how does one get to know ANYone? It always was a problem I had - not to speak to people, but to really deepen the contact...with you it simply happened - but I really wished it could be done! Because it's difficult - and it's even more difficult to find someone compatible/matching...
Uh...maybe I hate my life - I can't say...but at least I hate it for not being a life at all! Because lifes tend to be full of happenings...but mine doesn't have a single movement without you - it's just the so-called "daily grint" - and nothing more - and I'm sooo fed up with this!!!!
I even wish I had something complicated in my life - like: where do I get the money from to be able to visit you???
I'd love to face this question...I'd love this to be my problem...but it's not...and I can't seem to get over it...uh, get over it!!!
Even this is boring again - it's always the same with me: wishing, hoping, being dumped...what do I do wrong? Is it my fault? I'm always jilted...always...can't that change at some point??? I guess I'm old enough to NOT be jilted!
music: Tegan and Sara - The Con
feelings: empty, confused, awful - but I'm in love with this music!!!
What if everything went too fast for me?
What if cannot cope with my feelings?
What if I don't understand - but understand at the same time?
What if I was NOT sensitive? not sensible?
I wonder how relationships work...how do they work? What if one cannot see each other every day - what if one lives as far away from each other as we do? How does such a relationship work? If I only knew what to do...because I know I want to try this - although it seems indeed difficult to me...and what do you think? Qu'est-ce que tu pense, ma chérie? Est-ce que tu veux l'essayer? Yes, I know...you're not too sure yet...I neither am...but for me there's nothing to risk, so it's not that difficult for me to decide - I just want to try - J'éspère, que c'est possible! Mais, je ne sais pas plus! I cannot assure you that it will work...I think we are compatible (don't mean it as cold)...but I can't be sure...if it only wasn't such a risk for you...my darling...I feel awful!
How do relationships work in such conditions? I mean - I want it to work - but is it possible? Or is it impossible? Can WE make it possible? Can we fight against all the doubts and make it? Together? I wish we could...
Complicated - but my life's always complicated, so that's not new to me! Everything I touch gets complicated at least once...why does that have to happen?
Well, fortunately there is music to make me forget! And here's one fantastic video for all of you who are open for something very impressing, though peculiar: